I’ve gone back and forth this week, debating on whether or not I should write some long post, as one usually does this year, about reflections and resolutions and changes. But, it just didn’t feel right at the moment. Between the end of what was arguably one of the worst years on record for many people (but not all. Let’s honor that.) paired with turning the big 4-0 yesterday, my mind was flooded with random thoughts of what I should say, or shouldn’t say.
It felt impossible to process the grief of this last year, while also trying to welcome in a new era in my own life. I couldn’t do it. So I will say this. I am not one for resolutions at this stage in my life. Are there things that I want to change or achieve this year? Absolutely. But they won’t define me. So, I will keep my goals at bay, and hope for the best. Additionally, in retrospect, this year was painful and difficult for me personally, as it was for so many. It brought on new challenges, a mental health crisis of my own that sent me over the edge and into new depths of despair (not to sound dramatic) that I have never experienced before (midnight panic attacks? That was new.) paired with an overwhelming feeling of … what do I do? How do I get through this?
This isn’t unique to me, specifically, but it was challenging. Being a single parent. Figuring out how to work full time and get kids through distance learning. Selling a home that I loved and leaving a place that I always thought I wanted to be. Moving halfway across the country and having kids that hated it … again. Balancing loneliness and sadness and anxiety while trying to keep my shit together for my kids (which, really, only made my anxiety worse). But even in the worst of times this last year, there was goodness in my life. It’s easy to dwell on the negative … I’m REALLY good at that.
But this was a year where despite all of it, I felt really, really loved. I had a therapist (who I miss dearly) who believed in me. I had a doctor who listened to my concerns and BELIEVED ME when I said I wasn’t thriving, and helped me get on the right medications. I had friends who sent me grocery money when I was panicked after the initial shut down, because we were on the free meal program at school and suddenly I was making three meals a day. Through the year I’ve received random venmo payments with a simple note of “get some coffee, on me.” I’ve had family who let me stay with them, while we figured out our new roots here, and who have taken the boys on a whim so I can have a moment to breath. I received a beautiful wreath for Christmas from someone I love dearly. Today, I received a book in the mail from a dear friend, simply because I commented after she posted it that it was one I wanted to read. I have so many examples like this that I am choosing to focus on.
And MORE than anything, friendships that were already so important to me have grown even more deeply as we relate to the struggles we are all going through. Somehow, through all of this chaos, those friendships are deeper than they ever have been, which makes all of this so, so much easier. I’m so, so grateful for the community of people who I love and can trust. Who text or call daily, and who let me be me, unapologetically.
It hasn’t been all bad. It’s really, really hard for me just accept simple gestures … like, really hard. I don’t do it well. But this year humbled me in a lot of ways, and forced me to just say “ok” and “thank you.” But right now, I’m honoring the good that did happen in the last 12 months. I am forever grateful for the people in my life … there is SO MUCH WORK that needs to be done, personally, and I’m ready for the challenge, but I need to acknowledge the insurmountable amount of love that I have felt from friends and family this year. I have two boys who love me dearly, and all the support a girl could ask for.
So there you have it. Happy New Year, friends.