One of the things I really struggle with day to day is living with depression. The pandemic doesn’t help, as I’m sure so many others can relate to. My brain is mush … truthfully, I’m even struggling to write down these words, because while normally, I can write OK, the concentration it’s taking me right now is difficult.
It’s been a long year, hasn’t it?
As a single mom of two kids, trying to survive during a global pandemic has been a challenge. We’ve had a LOT of changes. The move from Colorado to Washington. Learning to deal with the PTSD that has come from leaving an emotionally abusive marriage. Figuring out what I want to do next with my life. The rain … so much rain (which, for the record, I normally love. But it’s quite a shock after coming from 300 days of sunshine that is Colorado.) We tried homeschooling, which wasn’t working, and so now my kids are back to distance learning through our local public school. Plus, throw in working full time from home, in a job that is demanding, and I feel like, most days, I am about to snap.
It’s a struggle, most days, to even get up and get out of bed. Did I brush my teeth today? I definitely didn’t brush my hair. Did I feed my kids breakfast? Have *I* eaten anything? My waistline is telling me I haven’t made good, healthy choices, as evident by the 25 pounds I’ve gained this year and the lack of clothing options that actually fit, that I currently have in my closet. It’s been brutal, and I’ve been drowning. Not treading water … drowning.
So, a couple of weeks ago I did something drastic. I gave my notice for work, with no backup, and no plans to go back to another job just yet. This is a super privileged thing to do … thanks to the sale of our Colorado home earlier this year, and tax money that I will receive, I am fortunate enough that I can take some time off and really focus on what needs to happen in my life. For one, getting my kids through school; our district will likely be distance learning for the entire school year, unless things drastically change. Secondly … I have to take better care of myself. I’m tired of feeling like we are just coasting through life (and I know … global pandemic.) I am trying really hard, and my friends keep reminding me, that I need to give myself grace. We have been through a LOT. I have been through a lot.
But at some point, I need to pick myself up, and at least TRY to be a good mother for my kids, and a good PERSON for myself. The basics, you guys? They are hard. I literally just SURVIVE most days, and while that’s ok, I don’t want to risk falling deeper into this dark hole that I already am.
So today I created some sheets that I printed out and tacked to my wall. They literally include basic shit like “brush your teeth” and “drink water, not alcohol.” Upon googling and hopping on pinterest. I found MANY free printables like this, which shows me that, I’m not the only one who struggles to do the day to day. But I also ordered some chore charts for my kids, because I’ve realized my bad habits due to depression are rubbing off on my kids. How can I argue with them when they want to stay in the same clothes for three days, when I’ve done the same? We are all in this together, and I need to be a better role model for them.
Another thing I’m working on is journaling … or, in this case, blogging. I type much faster than I write, and I don’t really love writing in a journal. So my goal is to write nightly, and do a check in. So if you’re here, you get to have a little glimpse of my mental state these next couple of months (unrelated … I just heard my oldest yell “that’s great teamwork!” to my youngest. They are playing minecraft, and I love seeing these little moments of them getting along and working together. Ok … end side note).
Anyways … blogging. My depression really fucks me up, in a way that I constantly tell myself I’m not worthy. Or I’m a bad mom. Or I’m not good enough to find someone who will love me the way I deserve to be loved. Gratitude and positive reinforcement has not been a strong suit of mine, ever. So I’m going to work on that. It’s on my list, to write things down daily. One thing I’m grateful for. Every day. Because I need to really start seeing the GOOD in my life instead of always dwelling on the bad.
So, welcome to my personal journal. It’s on my list to write every day, so we will see what comes of this space. I’m tired of being tired, you know? As we all are … but I really need to take the steps to be a better human, and a better mother.
Here we go.